The Disturbing Truth About Why 90% of Relationship Conflicts Are Completely Fake

The hidden mental trap that creates conflict out of thin air — and the simple shift that makes it disappear

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My dad called me at 11 PM on a weekday. He never calls past 8 PM.

"Your mother and I had another fight," he said, his voice carrying that defeated tone I'd been hearing more often lately. "She thinks I don't appreciate her cooking. I told her the Biryani was fine, but apparently 'fine' isn't good enough anymore."

I could hear my mom in the background, her voice muffled but unmistakably frustrated. Forty-five years of marriage, and they were arguing about biryani.

But listening to their stories from a detached perspective I realized they weren't fighting about food.

They weren't even fighting about appreciation.

They were fighting about the stories their minds had created about what "fine" meant, what appreciation should look like, and what love was supposed to feel like.

My dad's mind had created a story: "I work hard all day, I eat what she makes, I said it was fine — that should be enough."

My mom's mind had created a different story: "I spent two hours making his favorite meal, and he can't even pretend to enjoy it. He doesn't see me."

Two people. Two different mental movies. Zero actual conflict between them.

After watching hundreds of relationships over the past decade — friends, family, colleagues, neighbors — I've discovered something that will either blow your mind or make you want to throw your phone across the room.

Ready?

Conflict doesn't exist in relationships. It exists in minds.

Every single relationship problem you've ever experienced wasn't caused by what the other person did or didn't do.

It was caused by the story your mind created about what they did or didn't do.

Think I'm crazy?

Let me prove it.

The Neighbor Who Taught Me Everything

There's this guy who lives two houses down from me. Call him Mike. For six months, I was convinced Mike hated me.

Here's why:

When I'd wave at him while getting my mail, he'd barely nod. When I said "Good morning," he'd grunt. When our lawns needed cutting on the same day, he'd start his mower right when I was on work calls by my window.

My mind built an entire narrative:

"Mike thinks I'm too young for this neighborhood. He's probably some grumpy old guy who resents that I drive a nicer car than him. He's doing this stuff on purpose."

I started avoiding eye contact. I timed my mail runs to avoid seeing him. I even considered moving my home office to the back of the house.

Six months of mental torture. Over a neighbor who might have been perfectly nice.

Then one Saturday, my car wouldn't start. I was stranded in my driveway, phone dead, looking like an idiot. Mike walked over without me even asking.

"Need a jump?" he said, already heading to his garage for cables.

While we waited for my car to charge, he started talking.

Turns out, Mike is legally blind in one eye from a construction accident. He can't see people waving clearly, so he doesn't wave back much. He's not grumpy — he's dealing with chronic pain from the same accident, which makes him quieter than most people.

The lawn mower thing?

He starts early because his medication makes him drowsy by afternoon, and he has to get yard work done while he can still function.

Six months of "conflict" that existed nowhere except in my head.

Your Past Creates Your Present Conflicts

Most relationship conflicts aren't about the other person at all.

They're about your own unresolved issues being projected onto them like a movie being cast onto a screen.

You get angry at your partner for being "too emotional" because you're terrified of your own emotions. You criticize your friend for being "too ambitious" because you're insecure about your own lack of direction. You judge your family member for being "too sensitive" because you've shut down your own sensitivity to survive.

But the truth is:

The people who trigger you most are often reflecting back parts of yourself you haven't integrated.

Carl Jung called this "shadow work" — the process of acknowledging and accepting the parts of yourself you've rejected or denied.

When you see someone exhibiting qualities you've disowned in yourself, your psyche rebels against them with disproportionate intensity.

This is why you can have a mild reaction to someone being rude, but an explosive reaction to someone being "needy" — if neediness is something you've rejected in yourself.

The projection mechanism works like this:

Your mind takes an internal conflict (your relationship with your own neediness, ambition, sensitivity, etc.) and externalizes it onto another person. Now instead of dealing with your own internal struggle, you're fighting with them about their behavior.

And most relationship conflicts are actually internal conflicts being played out externally.

When you heal your relationship with these qualities in yourself — when you can accept your own neediness, ambition, sensitivity — you automatically become more compassionate toward others who exhibit these same qualities.

The Proof I Almost Didn’t See

My college classmate James runs a marketing agency with my friend Dave. Last year, James was ready to dissolve their partnership. He was convinced Dave was lazy, unreliable, and trying to coast on James's hard work.

"Dave shows up at 10 AM when I'm already three hours deep in client work," James told me over coffee. "He takes two-hour lunches. He spends half the day on personal calls. I'm carrying this whole business while he's basically stealing money."

The resentment was eating James alive. He'd started documenting Dave's "lazy behavior" to build a case for buying him out. He was losing sleep, snapping at his wife, and considering walking away from a million-dollar business.

But here's what James didn't know: Dave is a night owl who does his best creative work between 10 PM and 2 AM. While James was sleeping, Dave was designing campaigns, writing proposals, and solving client problems.

Those "personal calls" during the day?

Dave was talking to his mom, who has dementia. He'd promised his dad he'd call her every day at lunch to help maintain her memory.

The two-hour lunches?

Dave was meeting with potential clients, securing deals that James never even knew about.

Two different work styles. Two different life situations. Two different definitions of "productivity."

James's mind had created a story about what "hard work" looked like, and Dave didn't fit that story.

Dave's mind had created a story about what "partnership" meant, and he assumed James understood his approach.

No actual conflict. Just two mental movies playing in the same theater.

Then The Family Dinner That Bolstered My Belief

My cousin hosted Diwali party last year. Within thirty minutes, the entire family was in various states of tension.

Here's what was happening in everyone's minds:

Uncle’s mind: "Nobody asks about my opinions anymore. They think I'm just the old guy who doesn't understand modern problems. My cousin rolled her eyes when I mentioned the economy."

My cousin’s mind: "My dad always dominates conversations with his political rants. He doesn't listen to anyone else's perspective. I can't even enjoy family dinner anymore."

Aunt's mind: "I spent all morning cooking, and people are barely touching the food. They're more interested in arguing than appreciating what I made."

My mom's mind: "Aunt always goes overboard with cooking like she's trying to show off. Then she gets hurt when people don't make a big deal about it."

House help’s mind: "These family dinners are so awkward. Everyone's walking on eggshells, and I have no idea what anyone actually wants from me."

Five people. Five different mental movies. Zero actual problems with each other.

But the beautiful part is:

Once I started seeing this pattern, I realized I could change the entire dynamic without anyone else changing anything.

How Science Supports This

There's a concept in psychology called "fundamental attribution error."

It means we judge others by their actions, but we judge ourselves by our intentions.

When your friend cancels plans last minute, you think: "He's unreliable and doesn't respect my time."

When you cancel plans last minute, you think: "I had an emergency and couldn't help it."

This isn't just psychology — it's neuroscience.

Your brain is literally designed to create stories that make you the hero and others the obstacle.

Dr. Daniel Siegel calls this "the interpreter function" of the brain. Your mind takes incomplete information and fills in the gaps with assumptions, usually negative ones.

But what nobody talks about it is you can train your brain to create different stories.

Digging Deeper Than Surface Conflicts

When someone's behavior triggers intense emotion in you, don't focus on changing them.

Focus on understanding why you're triggered.

Most people stop at the surface level: "I'm angry because they did X."

But the real question is: "Why does X trigger me so intensely?"

Your emotional intensity is rarely proportional to the present situation. It's proportional to all the unresolved past situations that the present situation reminds you of.

When your partner doesn't listen to you, your anger isn't just about this moment. It's about every time in your life you felt unheard, invalidated, or dismissed. Your psyche is responding to a pattern, not an isolated incident.

This is why some people can have a mild reaction to being ignored, while others have explosive reactions to the same behavior.

The behavior isn't the variable — your emotional history is.

To deal with it, use these layered questions:

Layer 1: What happened? (The facts)
Layer 2: What story did I create about what happened? (The interpretation)
Layer 3: What does this remind me of from my past? (The pattern)
Layer 4: What am I afraid this means about me? (The core fear)
Layer 5: What part of myself am I seeing in them that I don't want to acknowledge? (The projection)

For example, let’s say your business partner shows up late to a meeting.

Layer 1: They arrived 15 minutes late.
Layer 2: They don't respect my time or take our partnership seriously.
Layer 3: This reminds me of my father, who was always late and made me feel unimportant.
Layer 4: I'm afraid this means I'm not worthy of respect.
Layer 5: I'm seeing my own tendency to be disorganized, which I've rejected in myself.

When you dig to Layer 5, you realize the conflict isn't about them at all. It's about your own unresolved relationship with parts of yourself.

The Scientific Explanation Behind This Layered Questionnaire

Your brain processes information in two ways:

1. System 1: Fast, automatic, emotional

2. System 2: Slow, deliberate, logical

When someone does something that triggers you, System 1 immediately creates a story to explain their behavior. This story is usually negative because your brain is wired to detect threats.

System 2 could create a more balanced story, but it requires conscious effort. Most people never engage System 2 in relationships.

But, when you consciously choose to create positive stories about people's behavior, you literally rewire your brain. You start defaulting to curiosity instead of judgment.

This Is The Ultimate Liberation

Most relationship problems aren't actually problems — they're just stories your mind created about neutral events.

Your partner didn't text you back quickly? That's a fact.

The story that they don't care about you? That's fiction.

Your friend didn't invite you to their party? That's a fact.

The story that they're excluding you on purpose? That's fiction.

Your boss gave you feedback? That's a fact.

The story that they don't appreciate your work? That's fiction.

Facts are neutral. Stories create suffering.

When you realize this, everything changes.

You stop fighting with fictional characters and start dealing with real people. You stop projecting your past onto your present. You stop assuming negative intent and start getting curious about actual intent.

The people in your life aren't your enemies. They're just humans trying to figure it out, same as you. They're doing the best they can with the emotional tools they have, just like you are.

The only relationship that really matters is the one between you and your own mind. Fix that relationship, and all the others fall into place.

Because conflict doesn't exist in relationships. It exists in the gap between reality and the story your mind creates about reality.

Close that gap, and conflict disappears.

Best,
Darshak

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