Stop Using Logic to Win Arguments. Start Using These "Psychological Triggers" Instead.

A heated disagreements will turn into a productive conversation in 60 seconds. I bet.

“I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument — and that is to avoid it.

Avoid it as you would avoid rattlesnakes and earthquakes.”

~ Dale Carnegie (How to Win Friends and Influence People)

Avoiding or ignoring an argument is easy, but how do you stop the internal agitation that comes with silence?

I’ve spent a major chunk of my childhood solving this riddle. Living in a joint family of 18 members, I was exposed early on to dealing with arguments.

Or I should say the art of silencing the restless mind during an argument. That’s what winning an argument means.

In a family that big, there are bound to be disagreements. And it’s not always easy to win arguments with stubborn and argumentative people, especially if they’re close to you.

But my elders seemed to have mastered the art of arguing without ever raising their voices or using force.

Intrigued, I began observing them.

I realized that the key to winning an argument lies in your approach.

It’s not about being right; it’s about being effective in prioritizing your peace of mind and relationship.

Here are some tips I’ve learned and implemented in my life. I am sure it will help you win almost every argument with stubborn people without losing your calm or putting a damper on a relationship.

1. The Socratic Method

The Socratic Method is often used to promote critical thinking. But, it can be used in arguments as a way of asking questions that lead the other debater to reach your conclusion for themselves.

It’s an effective way to win arguments without proving a point.

Here’s an example:

Person A: I am not coming to the park today. It’s too cold.

Person B: Why do you think that?

Person A: Well, I don’t want to get sick.

Person B: What would happen if we went to the park and you got sick?

Person A: I’d have to go to the doctor and maybe miss school.

Person B: And is that so bad?

Person A: I guess not.

As you can see, Person B didn’t argue with Person A’s initial statement.

Instead, they asked questions that led Person A to realize that going to the park wasn’t as dangerous as they thought.

2. The 3 Cs To Win The Situation

When you find yourself in a frustrating discussion with someone who isn’t receptive to reason, remember the three Cs:

#1. Curiosity:

Show a genuine interest in their perspective. Even if you think they’re wrong, understanding where they’re coming from will help you find common ground.

Maybe their traumatic past made them the way they are. Or perhaps they have a strong personality trait they can’t give up.

Curiosity gives rise to empathy. And that’s when the ego dissolves in an argument.

#2. Calmness:

It can be difficult to stay calm when you feel like you’re being attacked, but it’s important to remain level-headed. Losing your temper will only make the situation worse.

Whenever I feel agitated, I start an internal commentary — “It’s okay. It has nothing to do with me. They’re hurt. They’re in pain. Everyone is different, and everyone has a different choice. Their perception is not the truth.”

#3. Consistency:

Be consistent in your own beliefs and opinions. If you waver, the other person will sense it and use it against you.

The more you stop feeding their provocations, the faster they stop arguing. And the next they meet you, they’ll talk in assertions. Not arguments.

3. Challenge Their Assumptions

If you want to change someone’s mind, you first need to understand where they’re coming from. What are their experiences? Their values? Their beliefs?

Only then can you start to chip away at the foundation of their position.

To do that, find the one thing you can agree on and use it as a jumping-off point.

Let’s say you want your friend to stop smoking cigarettes. You know they value their health, so you start there.

You might say something like, “I know you value your health, and I don’t want you to put your health at risk.”

From there, you can start to challenge their assumptions about smoking. Maybe they think it’s not that harmful because they only smoke a few cigarettes a day. You can use data to show them how even a small amount of smoking harms their health.

4. Make Them Feel Like They’re in Control

In the book “Unconscious Branding,” author Douglas Van Praet says:

“If you want someone to do something, it’s better to make them feel like it was their idea in the first place.”

For example, if you want someone to start a business, explain to them every detail of your business. Let them picture it in their head.

Then, tie the business to their emotions. Talk about the amazing future attached to that business. If you can make someone feel personally connected to a concept, they will be more invested in it.

You can also use it in everyday life.

For example, let’s say you’re trying to get your partner/roommate to help you with the dishes.

Instead of asking them directly, try making a statement such as, “I’m going to do the dishes, but I could really use some help.” By phrasing it this way, you allow them to volunteer their services.

5. Ask “How” Instead of Why

If you want to know why someone believes what they believe, ask them. It’s that simple.

You might not like their answer. You might think it’s wrong or uninformed. That doesn’t matter — because now you have a baseline for the conversation.

You can follow up with questions like, “I see, so you think that’s the best solution because _____?” or “How did you come to that conclusion?”

You might be surprised at how often people can’t explain why they believe what they believe. It’s one thing to have an opinion; it’s another thing to be able to articulate it.

And that’s how you can silence an illogical critic.

6. Acknowledge Their Feelings

The best arguers know that people don’t argue because they want to be right — they argue because they want to be heard. They want to feel like their feelings and experiences matter.

If you can find a way to do that, the other person will let their guard down. They’ll be more likely to listen to you. They might even thank you for it later.

Your job isn’t to fix the other person’s feelings. Your job is to make them feel heard and understood.

7. Listen

I’m serious. Listen to what the other person is saying.

The best arguers are phenomenal listeners. They’re not thinking about what they want to say next. They’re not formulating their rebuttal while the other person is still talking.

They’re present in the conversation. They’re feeling every emotion. They’re evaluating every word.

And when it’s their turn to talk, they use the other person’s words against them. “It sounds like you feel X about Y. Is that right?”

It assures the arguer that you’ve understood their point.

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