I love these insights, but have to admit I’m a bit skeptical. Partners may leave you; friends may not be friends forever; bosses may fire you. While it’s true that the narrative in our minds does not always align with reality, what about when it does? Or when it is worse than what we imagined? When are we just gaslighting ourselves into ignoring signs?
I thought the same thing as you. Sometimes my stories are uncannily right. I think that's why the brain is making stories. To predict a truth from the information it has.
I have to agree though, my mindset changes as soon as I remember that the person in front has a story too, and they believe they are right, as do I. It's a stalemate.
As for when we are being gaslit, we are bowing down to another's story.
I think the point of this piece is to remember that each side has a story that's coming from more than just the facts of the event we are dealing with. we all create these stories because we need them at some level. Even someone who is deliberately gaslighting me, is doing so because their mom didn't love them or whatever. It's not got to do with the situation at hand. I can take ownership of my perspective to stay as close to reality as possible.
I thought this same thjng. I appreciate this writing so very much yet there will be times when situations are not good. And you cannot just stop at the ‘fact’ acknowledgment.
Thank you for publishing this—and for publishing it now. It answered so many questions for me, and I intend to share it with my friends and family.
However, I want to address some of your readers: this internal perspective change solves problems in what are potentially HEALTHY relationships, only.
The reason I’m leaving this here, is because people who are in destructive relationships, who do not yet know it, will take this information and blame themselves for the harm they are RECEIVING
. If you are in a destructive relationship, the rules are different; applying healthy relationship principles will not lead to resolution, because you are not working with a willing partner.
You can tell you’re in a dysfunctional relationship, if applying the principles of healthy relationship only makes things WORSE.
There are three types of relationships in distress:
1) disappointing. None of us comes to a relationship with a full deck. As we discover that the other person does not have what we thought or think we want or need, we reevaluate the relationship. We might need to grieve something we thought we had, but we can move on. Sometimes we do, sometimes we decide we won’t.
2) difficult relationship. External forces are putting intense pressure on the relationship. For example, a married couple that has a special-needs child, job loss, enduring poverty, even alcoholism, or other addictions. These circumstances don’t have to destroy the relationship; what happens to the relationship depends on the decisions to grow on both sides.
These can be the strongest marriages and the strongest friendships, if both parties choose to outgrow bad coping mechanisms to their painful circumstances, whether or not they can escape those circumstances.
3) destructive relationships. One party never takes responsibility for their actions, and does not—will not— grow. The other party, therefore does all the accommodating, all the work to change and grow, and possibly believes all the problems in the relationship are their own fault because they still aren’t working and growing enough. There is abuse, exploitation, or neglect involved (usually two or three of those, actually).
It is very common for people in destructive relationships to read advice that is perfect, and pertinent, to a healthy relationship, and to use the wrong tools for the wrong problem, which never resolves. They can even harm (deplete) themselves further using those tools.
I was this person for decades, and I applied healthy relationship dynamics to the point I was self-inflicting pain upon myself for my abuser—he didn’t have to do it himself nearly as much anymore. This is incredibly common. So for you people, I wanted to reach out to anyone else who never sees change in the other. It really might NOT be you, if you are in the 3rd category of relationship distress.
I resonated with every word you wrote.Its crazy that I just recently stumbled on this truth and more. I started my healing journey just this past April. Thank you for your thoughtful articulation. I really enjoyed reading this.
Most fights are just Broadway plays with bad lighting and no ticket sales. Two minds, each directing their own drama, throwing tomatoes at a stage no one else sees.
What you’ve named here is spiritual aikido. The shift from “Why did they hurt me?” to “What am I believing right now?” That’s not conflict resolution. That’s inner liberation.
Carl Jung said the shadow shows up as other people. The desert fathers said demons wear your friend’s face. Both were trying to warn us: the real hell is in the stories we never question.
And yes, when your dad says “fine” about the biryani, it isn’t the word—it’s the universe of meaning each mind hangs on that word like dirty laundry.
You nailed it: curiosity over judgment. Presence over projection. Real over remembered.
The Holy Spirit doesn’t whisper in arguments. It waits in the silence after the story dissolves.
Correct! It’s the stories we tell ourselves Darshak. I learnt & realised this after my first session in therapy. Once you understand this concept, you can navigate this better. Appreciate the article
I love these insights, but have to admit I’m a bit skeptical. Partners may leave you; friends may not be friends forever; bosses may fire you. While it’s true that the narrative in our minds does not always align with reality, what about when it does? Or when it is worse than what we imagined? When are we just gaslighting ourselves into ignoring signs?
I thought the same thing as you. Sometimes my stories are uncannily right. I think that's why the brain is making stories. To predict a truth from the information it has.
I have to agree though, my mindset changes as soon as I remember that the person in front has a story too, and they believe they are right, as do I. It's a stalemate.
As for when we are being gaslit, we are bowing down to another's story.
I think the point of this piece is to remember that each side has a story that's coming from more than just the facts of the event we are dealing with. we all create these stories because we need them at some level. Even someone who is deliberately gaslighting me, is doing so because their mom didn't love them or whatever. It's not got to do with the situation at hand. I can take ownership of my perspective to stay as close to reality as possible.
I thought this same thjng. I appreciate this writing so very much yet there will be times when situations are not good. And you cannot just stop at the ‘fact’ acknowledgment.
Thank you for publishing this—and for publishing it now. It answered so many questions for me, and I intend to share it with my friends and family.
However, I want to address some of your readers: this internal perspective change solves problems in what are potentially HEALTHY relationships, only.
The reason I’m leaving this here, is because people who are in destructive relationships, who do not yet know it, will take this information and blame themselves for the harm they are RECEIVING
. If you are in a destructive relationship, the rules are different; applying healthy relationship principles will not lead to resolution, because you are not working with a willing partner.
You can tell you’re in a dysfunctional relationship, if applying the principles of healthy relationship only makes things WORSE.
There are three types of relationships in distress:
1) disappointing. None of us comes to a relationship with a full deck. As we discover that the other person does not have what we thought or think we want or need, we reevaluate the relationship. We might need to grieve something we thought we had, but we can move on. Sometimes we do, sometimes we decide we won’t.
2) difficult relationship. External forces are putting intense pressure on the relationship. For example, a married couple that has a special-needs child, job loss, enduring poverty, even alcoholism, or other addictions. These circumstances don’t have to destroy the relationship; what happens to the relationship depends on the decisions to grow on both sides.
These can be the strongest marriages and the strongest friendships, if both parties choose to outgrow bad coping mechanisms to their painful circumstances, whether or not they can escape those circumstances.
3) destructive relationships. One party never takes responsibility for their actions, and does not—will not— grow. The other party, therefore does all the accommodating, all the work to change and grow, and possibly believes all the problems in the relationship are their own fault because they still aren’t working and growing enough. There is abuse, exploitation, or neglect involved (usually two or three of those, actually).
It is very common for people in destructive relationships to read advice that is perfect, and pertinent, to a healthy relationship, and to use the wrong tools for the wrong problem, which never resolves. They can even harm (deplete) themselves further using those tools.
I was this person for decades, and I applied healthy relationship dynamics to the point I was self-inflicting pain upon myself for my abuser—he didn’t have to do it himself nearly as much anymore. This is incredibly common. So for you people, I wanted to reach out to anyone else who never sees change in the other. It really might NOT be you, if you are in the 3rd category of relationship distress.
You just gave me the BEST EVER lightbulb moment!
Thank you sooooo much! 💕
I resonated with every word you wrote.Its crazy that I just recently stumbled on this truth and more. I started my healing journey just this past April. Thank you for your thoughtful articulation. I really enjoyed reading this.
Most fights are just Broadway plays with bad lighting and no ticket sales. Two minds, each directing their own drama, throwing tomatoes at a stage no one else sees.
What you’ve named here is spiritual aikido. The shift from “Why did they hurt me?” to “What am I believing right now?” That’s not conflict resolution. That’s inner liberation.
Carl Jung said the shadow shows up as other people. The desert fathers said demons wear your friend’s face. Both were trying to warn us: the real hell is in the stories we never question.
And yes, when your dad says “fine” about the biryani, it isn’t the word—it’s the universe of meaning each mind hangs on that word like dirty laundry.
You nailed it: curiosity over judgment. Presence over projection. Real over remembered.
The Holy Spirit doesn’t whisper in arguments. It waits in the silence after the story dissolves.
Correct! It’s the stories we tell ourselves Darshak. I learnt & realised this after my first session in therapy. Once you understand this concept, you can navigate this better. Appreciate the article
That's nice. It is all true. But the people in my life who would benefit from it would go berserk if I told them about it.
Thank you!🙏
I love when I find posts like yours.
You offered a different approach on this matter, one that will hopefully help people adjust their behavior as they go through a relationship.
This was great and filled with such valuable information and it totally makes sense! Thanks
Great insight. I've got lots to think about today. Thank you
Great analysis Darshak.
Great article
I love this article. I am really bad about this and desperately need to practice system 2. Thanks for the insight!
A very good read with lots of useful insights.
I really appreciated this piece. Grateful, Darshak. Truly. 🙏🏿